Love Will Tear Us Apart

Dedicated to the twin...

Living under the impression that you are only having fun and will not allow yourself to “let go” is easier said than done. It's a self made bluff. When you finally cross the threshold to the other side it’s one of the most invigorating and scariest feelings known. We all are familiar with the old adage “it is better to have loved” yet sometimes I wonder. In those early stages of falling in love I live in a mixed state of anxiety and bliss. I find myself questioning whether the joy is worth the ambivalence. I falter between living with hope to losing faith. When all is said and done and should the romance fail (whether it be early on in the relationship or years down the road) what do you have left? Memories? Memories that are often too tainted to reflect upon? Memories that leave you jaded? Do we ever move on completely?

I have been known to employ the use of protective measures. This has included holding everything close to the vest while never fully exposing myself and generating lists of pros and cons. By not opening myself up I felt had nothing to lose. Adopting the use of a “cons” list served as a reminder of all the wrong reasons we were together should the romance fail. Truth is none of this really works. As we all know the heart dictates the mind. It doesn’t matter what the mind knows as long as the heart is involved.

Don’t get me wrong, I have not been a saint. I’ve agonized during my role as the victim and I have consumed myself with guilt over my selfish role as the villain. Each role harvests sadness, guilt, self-doubt, questions of integrity and questions of what now. I can say with assurance that I have been heartbroken. I realize as I grow older that a few of the times I thought I was heartbroken I simply did not get what I wanted in the moment and maybe in retrospect that was what I needed. Who doesn’t loathe rejection? When the hurt is real you feel it in everything you do. You live it, walk it, taste it, and dream it. Do I believe you ever completely heal from heartbreak? I believe you heal enough. You lick your wounds, move on, and tuck away that small dose of pain somewhere to never be dealt with again. That is one cruel thing about life. As if rejection wasn't tough enough, every time you lose someone significant they take a little piece of you with them.

Love. How does one truly define love? One of life’s most sought after treasures. During a lifetime love is constantly second guessed and doubted. Love varies for everyone. For me it means finding that someone who can fill the role as your partner, allowing you to keep your individuality while never giving up your edge. I am picky. I have always been picky. If I don’t feel something instantly with someone I bail. I have been coined everything from chronic dater to man-eater. The pattern is predictable. I am smitten and giddy during the first three months. Then something happens around the 3 month period where I go through a transition (which is typically the time most men are ready to broach the “commitment” subject). I start nit-picking. Finding (searching) for reasons to cut loose. At the end of the day I realize the bottom line is I simply wasn’t ready or willing to settle.

In the past I have fought the urge to succumb to what I define as the closest thing to real love I may be offered in my lifetime. It’s a battle between the sense that being alone is better than living a life of misery with the wrong person to fearing the imminent devastation over the realization that I am old and alone and I lost my chance. I discussed this topic with a male friend of mine recently and he provided me with what appears to be the best (and obvious) answer. It is never a good thing to settle. If you are alone there is always the possibility of finding someone special. Once you settle, you have sold your soul, left to wonder and live unhappily ever after. When faced with the anxiety-inducing combination of growing old and being alone, that is a tough pill to swallow.

Until my next rant,

McSass