I want a mini horse

"Keep your eyes open on Thursday for a special opportunity"

Yakety-yak. Last night I was at a minor league baseball game and me and a couple of friends were discussing the sexual innuendos associated with candy. It became a fun little game for the evening (in lieu of watching the game we paid money to see). One can pretty much associate sex with anything if you put your [sick] mind to it. Here are a few of my favs with candy. Feel free to add if you can think of others:

• Almond Joy
• Fun Dip
• Good & Plenty
• Oh Henry
• Whoopers
• Jawbreakers (seriously!)
• Mounds
• Skor
• Big Cherry
• Bit O Honey
• Butterfinger
• Hot Tamales
• Moon Pie
• Pay Day
• Salted Nut Roll
• Snickers (Always satisfies)
• M-n-M (melts in your mouth...)
• Sugar Daddy

I don't know about you but just writing about these suggestive treats gets me all...........hungry for something sweet. Mindless entertainment. Isn't it quaint?

I had lunch with a very good friend of mine this afternoon (this friend happens to be 39 weeks pregnant and is expected to pop any day now and I could not be happier for her.) Following a delicious meal at our favorite local Chinese eatery (which provided me with the fortune quoted at the top of today's blog) my friend stopped by a department store to pick up a wedding gift. It was my desire to sit and wait in the car but my friend insisted I go in to take a gander at the shoe sale. Sigh. "Let's go." [wink wink]

The second I make my presence known in the shoe department I am hounded and stalked by not 1 not 2 not even 3 but 4 hungry shoe salespeople. Lets call them vultures. Each, as if reading directly from a script, ask "hey there young lady can I help you with a pair of shoes on this fine afternoon" and in return I snap back "just looking". Here is a trick. Never make eye contact. "Well my name is John and if you need anything I will be sitting over here in the corner watching your every move". Intense. I am not big on chatting on the cell phone in public but if ever there was a good time for it - SHOE SHOPPING. Those bastards won't ride your back like a circus monkey if you appear distracted.

I am not in the market for a pair of shoes. I have plenty of perfectly suitable pairs of shoes I hardly wear resting on the floor of my closet. But there was this remarkable sale being paraded in front of my eyes and I stumbled upon a pair of carmel Gianni Bini heels that caught my eye. I discreetly try on the size 6 pair that were on display (my size) and become smitten with them. Tempting, but here is the thing. The older (and wiser) I get the less inclined I am to binge shop. Two years ago I would have snatched the shoes in seconds with a follow up shopping excursion for the perfect outfit to go with the shoes. Not today my friend. I set the shoes back where I found them and walk away quietly. Sale or no sale I don't need the shoes. I am not an impulse shopper. I will go home and if I can't sleep without the shoes tonight I will return tomorrow. Sounds reasonable , right?

My friend had witnessed my private debacle and began persuading me to buy the shoes. "They're only how much", she says. "Get them! Oh, and they're so cute. When are you going to be able to buy a pair of Gianni Bini shoes at that price again? Oh, and they'll be perfect for summer and you can carry them over into the fall. They'll even work in the winter." Sold.

Here's where the real fun begins. The second you make the committment to finalize a deal at this particular shoe store it is impossible to find a store clerk. Poof. Gone.

I notice two saleswomen chatting away directly outside the register hut. They were yakking away about things I couldn't care less about. I simply wanted to get my pretty shoes and get the hell out of there. I began to click my debit card against the counter relentlessly. Saleslady I threw me a "can you please stop clicking your debit card against the counter" look and selfishly returned to her draining conversation with Saleslady II. Guys, hey, uh guys hi. I would very much so like to purchase these shoes, um please. Where did everyone go? Am I in this store alone. After practically breaking my neck looking around the store trying to make sense of the situation while throwing gestures and making sounds, Saleslady I looks at me and says "did you need something". Oh, so sorry to interrupt your FUCKING conversation but yeah, I'd like to purchase this pair of SHOES in this SHOE store SHOE clerk! Did I say that, no. Instead I politely say "yeah, I would like to purchase this pair of shoes, please kind lady". Saleslady I, who is very irritated, looks around, rolls her eyes and says "OOOOkayyyyy".

What's the problem? I didn't ask you to solve a math equation, I asked you to do your job. She considers assisting me for a second before suspicously asking "Who exactly was helping you?" You bitch, you are helping me. I choose you. Now take my debit card, ring me up and I will be on my merry way. As she approaches the counter leaving saleslady II to wallow in her own misery I sense a small fire starting to burn within me. I can't help it. The urge is too strong. I am trying to bite my tongue. But no, too late. "I can do that, right? I mean this is where people pay, right, at the register for shoes that I picked up in this store?" She didn't like that. "Wellllllll [sigh] I asked you earlier if you needed help and you said someone else was helping you". NO I DIDN'T! I absolutely did not say that. I don't LET people help me. I want to shop for my own damn shoes. Does that mean I am not allowed to purchase them? "No, ma'am, what I said is no thank you, just looking. Now can I purchase the shoes?" Is she going to need to seek approval from a mangement team? "Well, we work on commission here". Fantastic! Good for you. Ring me up and you'll make, what, like $2 off this sale. Still feeling the need to bite back, I take the bait "yes I know, I worked here years ago. I know how the system works." It's true. I had worked for this particular department store when I was a young girl and desired supplemental income. I didn't care about commission then and I sure as hell don't care today. I could tell she wasn't impressed with my attitude.

Saleslady I proceeded to complete the transaction like a sourpuss. No pleasantries were exchanged. My friend nonchalantly walked around the store acting as if she was shoe browsing but she wasn't. She was enjoying the show. 30 painful minutes later she and I walked out of the department store and me with a new pair of shoes. I didn't walk out of that store with the "whatta deal" feeling. I earned those shoes.

Speaking of idiots and shoes, I once went all day wearing a new pair of shoes on the wrong feet. True story. Prior to making the humiliating discovery, I placed the pain blame (and blood) on them being new.

Here is a recent picture of my twin sister and I.




Ladies and Gentlemen, good day and good night.

Josie