I wish I could live free Bloggers and friends, it’s been awhile so I decided to start things off with the above lyrics from an Interpol song that has been played continuously on my ipod this week. My girlfriends are well aware that I undergo this procedure regularly during the summer months so I don't feel weird ranting about it. In fact, I want to talk about it. Why? I feel I have earned the right to talk about my waxing adventure absent being awarded with a medal of honor. Shoot, I will settle for a first place ribbon. The woman who administers my waxes, we'll call her J, is a very sweet asian lady and is the only human being I can imagine being comfortable with performing such a personal task. A rule of thumb with the brazilian is you must leave all modesty at the door. J sees and touches me in places my very own gynocologist does not. Second rule of thumb, stretch beforehand. J will have me in a number of backbreaking positions before all is said and done. "Lay on side and pull leg behind head" or "put right arm on left leg pull skin like this". I feel like I am playing a solo game of nude Twister. J offers optional paper panties upon arrival but really those suckers aren’t on for 2 full minutes. Basically they serve as a gateway into your own personal comfort zone. J seems equally as awkward with the whole scenario as I do. At times I feel like I am trying to put her at ease. Regardless, when it comes time for that first rip you buckle up and hold on for dear life. The anticipation of the rip is agonizing. The most excruciating rip occurs in the pelvic area at the top of the hairline. Without warning, J rips the bad boy off and applies pressure to the area that is now as soft as a baby’s bottom while she whispers "you okay". No, in fact, I am not okay. I want to hit you. I want to scream for days. I lay there, fists clenched, my teary eyes glued shut, body tense and quietly mumble "yeah, I'm good" followed by an exhale and a disappointing grimace. This process is repeated 25 times. It doesn't get easier. I will admit certain areas are bearable (such as the "backside") yet in conclusion I have to announce this is one of the most tormenting circumstances I have voluntarily put myself through. Not even voluntarily. I pay good money for the abuse. At times I focus on the enchanting lullabies playing in the background but it hardly improves the atmosphere. My disposition is not good. I try to find a spot on the ceiling to focus on (today I noticed teeny cob webs in the far corner of the room) but this didn’t diminish the immense suffering going on down below. At one point I turn my attention to the right side of the room only to find my reflection in the glass doors of J's accessory cabinet. At best, try to refrain from getting a peak at how you look while receiving a brazilian wax. It's far from pretty. J informs me at least 5 times during the course of our endeavor "this be last one" but it never is. I call her a liar in my mind. At one point I could not pull my skin taut when asked to do so because my hands were too sweaty. I learned long ago not to eat prior to brazilians. While I have not had an accident to date, I can easily see how one might occur. When that rip takes place, you relax everything going on down below in an attempt to release the pain. J's attempt at pleasant conversation is cute but not welcome. I am trying to concentrate for gods sake. J tells me "you finish" and rubs anti-inflammatory/soothing oil all over the scene of the crime. Blissful. I am trying to picture how an outsider would visualize this scene. Here I lay naked from the waist down legs spread, J rubbing oil all over my private area while I release sighs of relief and thoroughly enjoy the rub (in a nonsexual way, pervs). Let me state for the record, after the hell I had gone through, it was euphoric. But then J says "I do clean up, okay. This not hurt like tweezers just few hair". You're pulling my leg, right? No. My stinging body says back off. Imagine if you will the worst sunburn you have ever experienced and someone applying a large strip of duct tape to the burning area, rubbing the tape in for good measure, and ripping it off in one quick second. This is my life for the following 2 minutes. I'm out. More to come later. Josie
I hope it's not beyond me
Settling down it takes time.
One day we'll live together and life will be better
I have it here yeah in my mind.
Baby, you know someday you'll slow.
And baby, my heart's been breaking.
I gave a lot to you.
I take a lot from you too.
You slave a lot for me.
Guess you could say I gave you my edge.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
That was me screaming, by the way.
What a day, what a day, what a day.
Ohhhh, the things we girlz do for beauty. It's been a year since I have had a brazilian wax. For those of you shaking your head in bewilderment, here is the definition of a brazilian wax kudos of wikipedia:Brazilian waxing is a type of waxing involving the bikini area. This procedure involves the complete removal of hair adjacent to the anus, perineum and vulva (labia majora and mons pubis). It can be thought of as an extreme form of bikini waxing. Some forms of Brazilian waxing leave a small line of pubic hair above the vulva; most do not. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brazilian_wax
I am not one to toot my own horn but let me preface the following by saying I have a pretty high pain tolerance. As I recall, my last brazilian wax was a nuisance but far from intolerable. Today's affair generated the most pain I have possibly endured in 31 years.
J is walking over to her accessory bowl now and I am thinking to myself if she grabs the tweezers I am out. As soon as I complete that thought J says "I just get one hair it ingrown just one, okay". Guys, I am all about getting what I pay for and I fully expect a first-rate job here, but at some point a line will have to be drawn. I am so tense I feel blood rushing to my sweaty head as I squeeze my eyes shut and prepare for the pinch. OOWWW! I'm out. I got my money's worth. Lead me to the door.
"You no wear nothing now skin red 3 day". It's been 3 hours and I am still in pain. Every time I get up from my chair my dress sticks to my crotch. Yet, I feel free and I feel clean. Awww.
Is it worth the pain, probably. Will I endure the humiliation and suffering of a brazilian in the future, more than likely. Let this serve as a warning for you ladies (and just to be fair – gents) taking this procedure under consideration. It’s no walk in the park.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Guess You Could Say I Gave You My Edge
Posted by Josie McS at 10:53 AM
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5 comments:
Yes, oh yes, the pain of that double X chromosome. We sometimes feel the need to groom all parts of our bodies even when we know the general public will not appreciate our efforts. Yours is a great example. I fell victim to this compulsion last night as well.
Gratefully, I did not have any pain to endure. At my office today, we are having some very important attorneys and a news crew arrive for a press conference. I sent an email to my staff to dress as professionally as possible today for this reason. Last night, prior to getting to my beauty sleep, I proceed to go into my beauty regiment that all women to in preparation for an event such as this. I take a bath, shave my legs, wash my hair/face/neck, do a facial masque, pick out my clothes for the following day, etc. I also proceed to give myself a (much needed) pedicure. Nothing really fancy, but a nice update nonetheless. The quandry is in the rub... I give myself this pedicure fully knowing that I will be wearing closed toe pumps! WHY?!? Why you ask??
I know my toes are pretty and that's good enough for me.
You mean to tell me that shithole of a place you like to consider a law firm is trying to pretend they are a professional establishment today? What's the occassion?
We (at the aforementioned shithole) have two piddly, stupid, small, illegitimate birth injury cases involving the same doctor out of Hot Springs. Whiny, small-minded clients want to get rich off the catastrophic injuries to their babies during the delivery process. We have associated the most ignorant Texas attorney as co-counsel which Nitpkr may know.
I totally feel your pain. The worst for me is when she says "uh oh, won't come out, one more time, okay?"..like it's an option. She then continues to reapply the same strip to the same area two to three more times after the initial pull. Seems more of an occasion to have Ozzy playing in the background instead of the elevator music.
Flops,
J told me to tell you hello and congrats when I was in last week. Think you made an impression on her.
I think J says "okay" after everything - sentence or question - which really leaves one guessing. She always seems edgy, too. Can one really enjoy their line of work when they wake up thinking oh I gotta be in the office in 30 to do Kim's pubs. Ew.
~ Josie
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