life in the fast lane

[thanks Jess, Ellie, and Nikki for clarity - you're right who cares]

Feeling a little energetic, likely due to the modest size box of red hots I devoured in two swallows. I don't know what is keeping me in this chair.

I want to share a humbling tale with you, blogspot. I just opened my purse, desiring to smother my lips with some gloss, and felt a little ashamed and a bit humored at what I saw. An unopened pregnancy test resting on top of my bible.

Explanation 1 (most important naturally): The Bible Querey Answered.

One of my goals this year is to read my Womens Devotional Bible - For Women - New International Version from front to back. As a young Catholic girl I read a more traditonal version in its entirety during religion class but acknowledge the self interpretation today would be far more beneficial than it was for a prepubescent 12 year old. That being the case, I keep the book of god in my purse for those precious moments when I find myself with some down time. Not that the bible isn’t worthy of real time - you know what I mean.

Explanation 2 and a bit more comical (= scary): The Baby Theory – Is She Or Isn’t She.

Saturday morning, prior to what I hoped would be a day of tailgating shenanigans, I found myself at the local food and beer store standing in the condom/pregnancy test/UTI aisle, aka the aisle of shame, pricing pregnancy tests. Wanting to climb out of my own skin I grab an EPT box (2 tests included) priced down to a steal at $9.99 while juggling a 6 pack of Bud Lite Lime and a hard pack of Marlboro Menthol Lights. [Sidenote: I hope when that day comes I find myself standing at the golden gates with Our Lord that this is not one of the pictures he flashes in the sky.] For the record, the smokes were for the anticipated mid afternoon beer buzz and I did not plan to smoke the menthols should the test result in a plus. I planned to suck down 6 Bud Lite Limes regardless of the test outcome. [Oh readers try not to be so gullible.]

To add to the delight of this shopping venture the aisle of shame happens to be in plain sight from the beer section where three acquaintances of mine just happened to be contemplating the various selections of foam beverages to bring to the tailgate party I was, oddly enough, minutes away from attending. I was not privy to this information while holding beer, tests and smokes. Pleasantries were exchanged but not before looks. The real pain occurred later as I watched the three musketeers, toting beer and one gigantic bag of original Lays, approach the tailgate as I sip on my first Bud Lite Lime.

Here's the news. I am not pregnant. The pee test had a positive outcome = it was negative. At the time I truly didn’t believe I was with fetus. The reasoning behind my pregnancy phobia is that for weeks, including the weekend in Dallas, I was punished with immense nausea. On the day of the EPT purchase the queasiness peaked. To amplify my fears mymonthlycycles.com never failed to remind me, with regularity, of my irregularity (3 days late) kudos to their friendly calendar reminder. The final answer presented itself within a matter of hours following application of the pee test during a routine trip to the restroom. The nausea, however, stuck around for the duration of my Saturday preventing me from enjoying the tailgating antics friends and acquaintances participated in that afternoon. In a jealous daze I attempted to trick my body into feeling fantastic while I forced down my second Bud Lite Lime only to wind up at my sister's house vomiting in her toilet. What makes this incident particularly neat is that the sister's restroom does not lock. Apparently when her house was built, some seventy plus years ago, people were less modest. When the strange man walked in on me blowing chunks (I mean that as literal as possible) and glanced at the toilet filled with a partially digested supersonic burrito soaked in Bud Lite Lime I decided I was all out of dignity and allowed my body to do what it had been screaming to do all morning. Reflecting back on that moment I don't recall seeing that guy again for the rest of the day.

The remainder of my Saturday was spent on my sister’s couch lifeless and miserable. In a semi conscious state I heard friends and acquanitances come and go like giddy school children telling tales of the good times that were had and gushing about the ones soon to come while enjoying burgers, dogs, and booze. The awkward grocery store run-in was later mentioned by one of the three musketeers. Rumor has it I was trying to hide the fact I was shopping for condoms. This kinda hurts worse than pregnancy speculation.

I have since removed the unused test from my purse unwilling to be that girl who mistakes an EPT for a pen while making out a deposit slip at The Bank of America. My fingers are tightly crossed that the test will remain unused. The Womens Devotional Bible goes where I go because I am fully committed to reading the 1454pages of fine print before 2012 [the end of days right Matthew?]

I hope I was able to entertain you, once again, with the unique life of Josie.

Nik will be in town next weekend and I am tres excite! Things tend to get a little crazy when she and I get together but I am going to suggest we keep things on da low key just as we did in the pic below. GOODNIGHT friends and lovers.