let's ponder, shall we?

I like to call this segment "Weekly Irritations." The following situations have disturbed my life at one point or another this week.

(1) nausea.
(2) rusty screws.
(3) sausage egg mcmuffin with [plastic] egg.
(4) tetanus.
(5) dellusionalists! (if this is not a word it is now)
(6) the predictable.
(7) Jessica's driving [see below].
(8) calories and inactivity due to injuries .
(9) dark clubs and invisible stairs.
(10) unruly brows.
(11) doctor visits.
(12) Lifetime movie about the TX cheerleaders. God tells us not to hate but he makes an exception when it comes to the Fab 4.
(13) The Strength Curve - why so complex?
(14) Marlboro Menthal Lights - get out of my social drinking life already.
(15) Pearl necklaces (head outta gutter pervs - the accessory).
(16) Nickelback (this is an every day pain in my life).
(17) crabapples and constant complainers!
(18) my bare ass for the world to see - thanks Nik.
(19) The Mosquito! Dude, your lease is up. Pack your bags and get the heck out of town.
(20) Air Guitar! Everyone has a signature drunk oddity (Jess pulls out kissey face Stacie loses use of her left eye). Put a couple drinks in me and I am Eddie Van Halen.
(21) Claustrophobia. Must the little girl always be put in teeny places. In Dallas on Saturday I was placed on the steering wheel when there was no room left in the car.

To counteract the negativity allow me to share a few things that delivered happiness in recent days:

(1) Jessica's unforgettable meltdown while driving (memorable words "Fabulous" and "Bitches").
(2) fantastic pictures from Dallas! Nik and I surprisingly took some good ones!
(3) a Stacie Phillips tangent.
(4) anticipating a 3 day weekend.
(5) watching videos of my puppethead from his youth (precious).
(6) pain meds (I advocate for drugs only when one is suffering).
(7) 3 charming words "I HAVE TURRETS!"
(8) Hilary's pumpkin orange suit at the DC.
(9) plotting demise - ssshhhhhh!
(10) mr seinfeld waiting until it is dark/quiet to piss on the bedroom rug sounding similar to a pitcher being filled with water.
(11) LCD Soundsystem's All My Friends (my most played jingle on RH this week).
(12) Donita's potato salad! Darnitt that stuff is good!
(13) Barber splitting his pinstripes front to back while droppin' it like its on fire!
(14) brow wax - it's soothing!
(15) When I asked him whether he wanted to "dine in" while waiting for food at a particular taco bell Jake declared "this place kind of makes me sick."
(16) Ellie and I giggling about #15 before falling asleep on the air mattress in Donita's living room. I like to believe the best part of the reenactment is my "Jake" voice - it's kinda hoarse and mean.
(17) black olives and ranch dip! It's THAT good.















Ellie and I accidentally let our tongues touch during the making of this photo at the Grapevine in Dallas last weekend. As weird as the moment was we got over it, ironically later finding ourselves wandering aimlessly around a dark smoke filled club, designed for males who like males, consisting of 2 floors exuding with pounding beats of the techno genre and involving more rubbing than a petting zoo. Everytime I attempted to dance I'd wind up with some smiley mexican man trying to hump my back. Off the dance floor Ellie and I lose the group. Due to confusion, shock and the washington apple shots we all sucked down earlier kudos to Jessica, I didn't notice a step as I attempted to walk into another room diligently looking for my group. My body met the marble floor quick and I have a black and blue leg to prove it. To add insult to injury Ellie and I squeezed in one last uncomfortable moment between the two of us when Ellie tripped over my body, now glued to the ground, and fell on top of me during this "it could happen to anyone with legs" accident. For the remainder of the evening we were famous around the club for being "the 2 girls that fell". I'll take it!

Giant birthday wishes to one of my favorite golfer boys Matthew Naylor. Welcome to 27 Mister!

~ J*O*S*I*E

who's thirty plus one?

"I'M GONNA ROCK YOUR WORLD!"

happy birthday jillian! like naylor says "age is just a number" and someday we'll all be 31! love, j

where the boys are

"He tells us that the way to live in this world is to have the childlike heart and mind. In other words, never get old or dull or jaded in spirit. Don't become super-sophisticated."

Matthew and I made a trip to our local Barnes & Noble last night. Who knew the place is quite the communal hot spot at 9 pm on a Wednesday eve. The place was swarming with rowdy pre-teens sucking down mocha latte's, various walks of life thumbing through books, teenage misfits spending their summer nights playing chess, lonely people hoping to make a connection with another lost soul. It was a people watcher's paradise. Maybe it was the atomoshpere but the scene alone inspired me to write a book about book worms and those that want to be them. I relocate to the Biography section having a strong interest in personal memoirs. Some might say it's due to my need to meddle - but it is not - I am interested. My bookstore companion, Matt, is soon lost in the scurry of noise and nerds. I didn't pick up what naturally caught my eye because I felt bashful. "Loose Girl" is a memoir of promiscuity. Dismissing my curiousity, in the next aisle over my eyes are instantly drawn to Jenna Jameson's "How to Make Love Like a Porn Star" and for a second I question my state of mind. I scuffle around the store limiting myself only to the Biography section when I notice a copy of "Loose Girl" that is out of place. I think what the heck! Someone else was obviously interested in the tell-all. I'll just read the Prelude.

During the 25 minutes that follow I flip, with great intrigue, page after page of sextails oblivious to the patrons behind me except when I hear Matt walking nearby. He doesn't know it but he sends off signals to alude me to the fact that he is in close proximity. Only when he walks by do I become cautious of the book in hand. By the way, this was not possible with the Jameson read due to the tremendous amount of graphics displayed on each page - they would catch the eye of a blind man. Once again I become absorbed in the words of the low inhibited, sex addict. Fascinating stuff! My first interruption, and close call, occurrs when a group of obnoxious teenage girls stop by to comment on my shirt, to giggle, and to get details on where one could purchase such a shirt. Frazzled with dismay not wanting the virgin eyes to catch light of what I was reading, tuck the book to my side, finger in place, and graciously thank the girls with a smile that said scram. As the group awkwardly ran off I heard one of the girls say to her friend "my mom has a shirt just like it". Ha! Bitches.

About the time I get into the good stuff, and by good I mean dirty, a gentleman who was extremely uncomfortable in his own skin, John, politely interrupts me with a tap to my shoulder and introduces himself. To be honest I felt a little disoriented in a what's going on sort of way, you know the way you feel when you wake up from a 45 minute Saturday afternoon nap. John asks me if I have a name and I say with confusion "John" when he smirks "no that's my name." How charming - you're getting on my nerves John. I wanna know if Kerry is going to let the dirty scumbag take it to homebase. My mind asks does this man have pertinent information for me, does he need assistance, has he mistaken me for someone else? John used the 'ole "I noticed a man circling your area and I became concerned with the way he was watching you" line before asking "you from around here"? I can't believe this! John, probably straight out of Wednesday night bible study, is making a pass at me while I am doing a bad job at trying to disguise my book about women who love sex. Completely disconnected from the situation I manage a "yes I am from town, this town" wishing one of those flying monkeys from Oz would sweep up John and fly him over to the World History section.


Where is Matt by the way when I need him? Naturally I knew what was coming as John was running out of material. "What are you reading there" studying my hand trying to get a peep at the cover. I fail to step up to the moment and my mind drifts to blank. Frustration mixed with embarassment caused me to blurt out the first thing that came to mind "oh just reading books, with my boyfriend, who is somewhere in this store". John thinks I am lying. John takes the hint. Off he wanders but not far - he keeps a close eye on me. Alone again and 50 pages into Loose Girl Kerry finally loses her virginity and I decide I am no longer interested in what she has to say. I feel like such a guy!

In the Religion section, on a journey for spiritual healing, John just happens to run into me again and seeks confirmation that I am still with someone. Now I just feel sad for the guy. In retrospect I should have offered him a copy of Loose Girl.

Throughout the course of my Barnes experience I was hit on by three boys - two of which were together and probably no older than 20. Word to the single ladies (or lonely hearts). This is where it's at . I hope to never find myself sitting in Barnes searching for "the One" but I don't frown upon those that do. Next time you get a late night craving for a Grande Mocha Latte, spice up the night with a trip to your local bookstore. To go a step further, keep in mind Loose Girl. It's a real page turner.

~ Josie
____________________________________________________

Sometimes everyone needs to step out of their comfort zone to get a clear sense of importance. You really won't miss the things you think you will, and in the end you may just miss the very thing you were afraid of to begin with. ~ jm

so long farewell

auf Wiedersehen, good night.

dear blogspot,

I'm three seconds away from puking on my desk...

...daily multi vitamin. To add insult to injury I think I ate some bad turkey roni. The 'ole head between the knees trick works. 9th grade Health class wasn't a complete waste of time afterall.

On a less exciting note, following 48 hours of brutal anxiety I finally received my first at-home B12 shot (I am a B12 junkie) administered by a non medical professional. What a trooper that Matthew, such a care free spirit. I watched as, after 2 days of my badgering stemming from a strong need to diminish distress and craving reassurance, Matt's confidence crippled to the point where he refused to inject me in the rear on Monday night suggesting we'd "give it a try" another night. This statement was made about the time I was thrown into a full blown panic attack while watching a nurse via the likes of youtube demonstrate the proper way to execute the deed. Readers beware, t'was not the needle that frightened me, it was the way ms. prick critically stressed the life or death importance of inserting the needle in the muscle avoiding any nerves. To add fuel to this growing fire, someone at work put the lethal combination of needle and heart attack in my head and it's all I thought about for 2 days. I convinced myself the second the syringe met my skin my heart would explode. Alas, last night my fear was conquered enough to go for round two. Once I could keep my paws to myself, the meds were sucked into the needle followed with several flicks to remove air and without a pinch I was suddenly B12 replenished. Like a child I sniffled "did you do it?" I hate to brag on the non-nurse, but Matthew did a first-rate job. Heck, I'd go as far to say he's the the best B12 administrator I have been pricked by, medical professionals and all, in three years. Thanks tigercat.

Here is a little something I have been working on creatively titled "I'm Just a Girl"...

I’m Just a Girl who believes love is about wanting to better yourself for someone else
I’m Just a Girl who is a victim to insecurity yet exudes with confidence
I'm Just a Girl who is terrified of awkward predicaments
I'm Just a Girl who is great at a few things spectacular at nothing
I’m Just a Girl who would rather cheat with a cigarette than a slice of cake
I’m Just a Girl who loves who I am yet disgusted with someone I have been
I’m Just a Girl who’s easy to please and easily annoyed
I’m Just a Girl always looking for something new but habitually complacent
I’m Just a Girl who says screw foolish expectations
I’m Just a Girl who wants the 9 oz steak over the 6
I’m Just a Girl who forgot what my 20 something self was like yet feel 19 at heart
I’m Just a Girl who has come to learn things do get easier with age yet some things never change
I’m Just a Girl who is a skeptical believer
I’m Just a Girl intrigued by what’s next
I’m Just a Girl who prefers the mysterious power of music over any form of art
I’m Just a Girl who understands life really does go on
I’m Just a Girl who loves to play but pensive at the core
I’m Just a Girl with a handful of dear friends oblivious to her enemies
I'm Just a Girl with zero tolerance for fake
I'm Just a Girl who wants to forgive and then forget
I’m Just a Girl who prefers to go commando
I’m Just a Girl who will say I don’t care what you think, but might consider it
I’m Just a Girl who has learned the hard way
I’m Just a Girl who feels sorry for closed minded people
I’m Just a Girl who has left my past in the past
I'm Just a Girl with a man sized appetite
I'm Just a Girl who loves to endulge in a daydream
I’m Just a Girl who appreciates the benefit of the doubt
I’m Just a Girl who gives without expectation
I’m Just a Girl who does extraordinary things with her mind
I’m Just a Girl tempted by curiosity, better suited not knowing
I'm Just a Girl who adores alone time but believes being lonely is the saddest emotion
I’m just a Girl who is wise yet still learning
I’m Just a Girl often misunderstood
I’m Just a Girl who believes we all sometimes dream of frolicking on someone elses’ grass
I’m Just a Girl complicated but true
I'm Just a Girl who gets lost in a song
I’m Just a Girl with a razor sharp edge
I’m Just a Girl who sometimes needs rescuing from my thoughts
I’m Just a Girl who has learned some people change their situations, never change their ways
I’m Just a Girl in love.

I am out for a long weekend. As John Landis would write, See You Next Wednesday!

Lata snakes. ~ j