take 2 and call me in the morning...

“Some would die for that one thing”…jm

I'm a tad under the weather on this dreary Thursday. A trooper I am and I have plenty to say today...

For starters, I would like to further acknowledge my feelings in continuance of yesterday’s post concerning all things Merry Christmas. Now then, it was not my desire to portray a negative spirit in respect to the most expensive and overrated holiday of the year. In fact, there are many aspects to the holiday I miss just as a toothless man with an apple yearns for his teeth.

I miss the snow. I miss door-to-door Christmas carolers. I miss baking holiday treats with my mother. I miss begging my parents to bring out the Christmas albums in late November and the parents always retorting “it’s too early”. I miss writing letters to Santa even when I secretly no longer believed in him. I miss hot cocoa and homemade bread following a walk home from school in frigid Omaha winter weather. I miss spending a night out in the cold searching for the perfect douglas fir tree. I miss the smell of a real tree. I remember, with fondness, decorating the tree with my family as we listened to album after album filled with classic Christmas tunes. I miss going through the box of ornaments thinking "remember this one". I miss the bubble lights my father put on the tree every year and waiting patiently for the bulbs to do their magic. I couldn’t wait to go to children’s Christmas Mass on Christmas Eve followed by a trip to my grandmother’s house where we’d unite with other family members and open gifts. I long for the innocence of Christmas that has been missing for years. As a child it was never about money, gifts or who got what. I never questioned why Santa didn’t bring me the pricey toy my classmate was lucky enough to find under her tree. I loved the ambiance of it all beginning with putting our biggest shoes out before bed so St. Nic could fill them with candy on Saint Nicolas Day to the Christmas school play leading up to Christmas break. It was remarkably special to me and I remember feeling a little empty after it was over. I look forward to the sentiment returning soon.

In other news, I heard from my one and only pen pal Zub today. Due to my lack of correspondence my prisoner pal thought I had forgotten about him and no longer desired the companionship. Little does he know I am pining for the day he walks out those prison doors and finds me, flower in hand tear in eye, and jump into his manly arms and profess my love.

In his latest communication, Zub shares additional terms, also known as “prison lingo” for educational purposes. New prison commitments are known around the big house as “fish”, “fresh fish” and “shorthairs”. Child molesters are known as dead. Nah not really. They’re known as “Cho-Moes." African Americans (Zub uses the word blacks but I am a politically correct individual, ya’ll) are known as “frogs” and “toads." Mexicans – “spics” and whites “crackers” and “White boy”. If someone is referred to as a “punk”, “bitch” or a “nancy boy” it means he is either a homosexual or a weak convict. How about those fun facts?

Someone asked me last night - what do you do for a living - and I answered “In real life or pretend?” Two totally different things, trust me. Night and day.

Does anyone ever use the following phrase when praising a job well done “you really picked up the ball with that one” or “please pick the up the ball this time – you have a tendency to drop a lot of balls and screw us all”. I’m just wondering.

My friend Ellie suggested today that I write for Hallmark because I am always dishing out clever rhymes like I’m Dr. Suess. Ingenious. In an attempt to warm up the brain for this challenging but rewarding endeavor, I am tossing around a few ideas and would like to use this blog as a place to examine these preliminary masterpieces. For those of you wondering, I’m not biased to birthday greetings. I forecast stronger profit earnings with diversity. Sure, it’s a little more demanding on the ‘ole processor upstairs, but I think it’s fair to say it would be a shame to allow this talent to go to waste. Lets rumble:

Front – “We asked you to dinner last night. You brought your appetite but no money”. Inside – “Get a job.”

No? How about…

Front – “This morning I stepped in a messy pile of dog poop that I can't seem to remove from the grooves of my tennis shoes. ” Inside – “Thinking of You”.

Seriously, I’m just getting started.

Front – “Heard you were ill” Inside – “maybe that one night stand wasn’t such a great idea”.

Front – "At least he was old" Inside - “My condolensces”.

Front - "Forgive me?" Inside - "say yes - let's not worry with details".

Front - "So what! You're alone on your birthday - this is your day!" Inside - "[this part intentionally left blank]"

Front – “I may be miles away but what can I say you brighten my day in such a way that’s more than okay and no I’m not gay I just want to say HEY” Inside – “let’s stop the nonsense and move away from the chatroom and into the bedroom”…

Now don't go running off and selling my ideas to Hallmark.

Important business to tend to so I’m OUT like denim on denim.

PEACE ~ J