lick your wounds and keep on truckin'

When you envision matters that alter the path of life significantly you imagine a career change, the birth of a baby, marriage, divorce, death, and so on. Other ripples in life, subtle trials and tribulations, cease the very second and open you up to life. Those moments that stand still, stop you in your tracks and demand you live in the instant. I had such an expereince last night. I learned that an ex, someone I spent 6 years of my life with and whom was once immensely significant, is getting married. It hurt. No. Deeper than that - it broke me temporarily. Without halt, without even acknowledging what I was feeling or doing, I broke down in tears in front of a room full of people that had no idea what was happening. It was an overwhelming emotion. I felt dumb for crying. But then I thought, no, I need this. My natural instinct was to think “Why was I not the one. Why did it take him merely a year to realize he wants to marry this girl?” Friends reiterated to me what has been said many times before. Not only was he very wrong for me, I was very wrong for him. How could we have possibly made a life together? Raise children under such unhealthiness? It would have never worked. I've known for a very good amount of time that he and I could never be together. Then, feeling rather optimistic, I concluded that I was not losing him. He was losing me.

I recall looking in my bathroom mirror this morning and asking myself “why are you not upset – what is wrong with you”. I considered the possibility that I was in denial. Perhaps I am suppressing pain? But then it dawned on me. I am not angry. In fact, I really am not even upset. I tried to force myself to cry yet I felt nothing. Why? My ex was not the love of my life. Our time together was meaningful. I retain many very good memories of a life we spent with one another. At one point in my life I believed I would have his children and all that jazz yet, at the heart of it all, I never truly felt it. I didn't have a gut feeling “he’s it – I’m done”. I still love him. I miss him to pieces. It’s sad to me that I spent so many years with this man and now it’s as if he has perished and is buried away. I think of him almost every day. I sometimes miss his humor. No one again will refer to me as “badger” or “wee”. But at the end of the day I am okay with all of this because I am so sickening happy with someone, truly unbelievably in awe with someone, that I can’t imagine being with my ex or anyone else for that matter. I don’t recall ever [ever!] being so comfortable or madly crazy about anyone as I am with this person. Before him, I can't recollect a time sitting around, doing absolutely nothing, and wishing it would never end. I want to stop time when I am with him. It is not only spending my time with him that consumes me with bliss, it’s enjoying every second, every word, every look. That is what life is all about, right? I am so lucky to have experienced love like this. I am aware that some people never have that in a lifetime. If I never do again, and if he were to go away today, I feel blessed having had that. It’s better than anything on earth. He doesn’t know how lovely I find him. I've said it before - I knew the second I saw him I would love him. I mean that as literal as I can express in words. That doesn’t happen with me often. Ever, actually. I can’t fathom this sensation going away.

In conclusion, I will be just fine. I harbor no ill feelings for my ex and I really want him to be happy. The last time I saw him, a little less than a year ago, he told me that if he and I were to respectively marry other people that we would be thinking of one another while up at the alter. I certainly hope that isn't the case for either one of us. That would be a mistake.

~ Josie

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND GUYS!!!!