"I know I have got a negative edge that's why I sharpen all the others a lot..."
My nose is cold.
Greetings and salutations, folks.
Today I thought I would finally give ya'll the skinny on my pen-pal relationship with Steve Zuber [I call him Zub which sounds like Zoob]. Things couldn't be progressing better. He is falling for me, I can feel it!
For the record, I won't be making a conjugal visit to Zub anytime soon. Ever, in fact.
You are all burning with desire to read the correspondence. Deny it!
In search of a different form of creativity, I answered an ad from my local newspaper to a convicts' search for a female pen pal. I later found out he had been craving some form of female companionship. Zuber is a convict in a corrections facility for manufacturing and selling methanphetamine. At heart, I think Zub is a decent man. We all make mistakes. I've made plenty of them myself just not the kind that land you a 6 year prison term.
Zub claims his ex-wife, who he has divorced 2 times, ran off and left him to raise five children. The financial responsibility that came along with it was overwhelming. Zub claims a full time job hardly made ends meet and he and his children were faced with some extremely tough times. "Cooking dope", as he put it, allowed him to quit his fulltime job, take care of the kiddos, and make a little extra money to boot. After a year Zub found himself depressed and strungout before the law stepped into his life. Since that life altering day Zub has served 3.5 years and has another 3.5 to go. Good news though - Zub has a full time job in maintenance at the prison that lands him a whopping $6.00 a year. That's criminal in itself.
Here are some of my favorite Zuber phrases in no particular order:
(1) Things that make you go DUH!
(2) N-E Ways
(3) N-E How
(4) Peace Out
(5) You Heifer!
(6) 4-Real
Zub has pushed the envelope (pardon the pun) a couple of times and I always try to put him in his place when he crosses the line. I can only imagine how lonely it is being locked up minus any male-female interaction. Sheeesh. No way. In my next letter I might ask ole Zub if he's been de-virginized by a man, yet, and how long does it typically take for one to find a prison buddy? Maybe I can ask him if the soap trick is a myth.
I try to get in Zub's head by asking questions that would generally provide an idea of one's personality. I have asked questions such as (1) what do you miss the most (2) if you could do anything today what would that be (3) what is your favorite childhood memory, and so on. Here are some of my favorite responses to questions I have asked:
Josie - What would you love to do when you get out?
Zub - I would love to meet the person who is writing me this letter.
[blogger friends, AIN'T gonna happen]
Josie - If you could have anything for dinner tonight what would it be?
Zub - I take it you are talking about food so it has to be a medium rare T-Bone, a large salad & crispy french fries with lots and lots of ketchup.
[blogger friends, there was no sexual innuendo implied with my question and ole Zub needs to get his head out of gutter before I send him an envelope full of cat shit]
Josie - Do you dream at night?
Zub - Yes I Dream at night. That is how I escape this place. They may be able to lock my body behind bars but they can't lock up my mind. I have to admit though that I don't remember most of my dreams which is probably for the best. I do know that I must be having some pretty hardcore dreams because there is a certain member of my body that lets me know just about every morning when I wake up and no it is usually not because I have to go to the restroom.
[blogger friends, I literally threw the letter down after reading that last sentence but you will be proud to learn in my response to this disgusting piece of information I said to Zub "funny, you wake up with leg cramps too!"]
My most recent letter was accompanied by a photo. I considered sharing the photo with you guys but decided to behave.
I have learned that Zub's days are filled with lots of football watching, gambling, volleyball, and working out. Um, where's the justice in this? I have learned about Zub's mother, his father, his childhood, his children, how it irritates him when the "5 monther's" complain about doing time when he still has several years to go. Zub's favorite Halloween memory is the year he dressed up as Beetlejuice and apparently it was quite a hit in his small town. Zub falls into minor depression around the holidays which I can only imagine is a very difficult time for the majority of the prisoners at least those left with a soul. Zub refers to himself as a nice, handsome, lonely ole convict. He also came right out and asked for a Christmas gift. No joke.
Zub closed out his latest letter with "Take care & Stay Cool". If Zub were here now I'd tell him I try to take care as best as I can and I will always, ALWAYS be cool.
I can't tell you how long I will carry on this pen pal relationship with Zuber. Some find it quite strange. My father looked at me with bewilderment and fear when he learned of my new creative outlet. There is no underlying concept behind this project. I would like to believe I am serving a purpose. Zub really enjoys and looks forward to my letters. Zub also enjoys reading my blogs when I remember to send him printouts. It truly makes me happy knowing I am somehow, in some small way, improving the quality of someone's life. If this is all I gain from the experience I accomplished more than I imagined. If I could write them all I probably would. Next stop, Death Row!
Night guys, talk to you tomorrow. ~ Josie
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