Fighting off the mundane...

It’s impossible to miss those you didn’t admire in the first place. The only thing you long for is opportunity. ~Josie

I’m eating candy for breakfast.

I was daydreaming just now about a spider monkey puppet named Roger. He doesn’t exist, yet, except for in my dreams where he and I live happily together day after day. Clever primate, that Roger. He enjoys a Cuban cigar every now and then and is sort of a bigot but one hell of a nice guy. His favorite color is midnight blue. Roger is a closet Full House fan.

My hands are sticky.

I have the urge to do something extraordinary today. It’s on the brink. I can feel it.

The sound of my office IT guy speaking makes me want to jump in front of an 18 wheeler. I am not exaggerating.

Food for thought: Why is it that if you ask for “extra” anything on your salad, sandwich, pasta dish such as cheese you are assessed a small fee but if I ask to eliminate a designated item that customarily comes in or on said food item the price can't be negotiated on my behalf?

A friend asked me this morning what I thought about midget strippers. Fascinating. I could be swayed into a midget stripper show. Pushing the urge to be judgmental aside, I find midgets remarkably alluring. I have been known to waste an entire day on a Little People Big World marathon. I am fully aware of the risk associated with the following statement and I may lose a friend or two but this is my blog and I am being brutally honest. Given the opportunity, I would probably have my way with a midget. I trust it all works the same, right? The parts that matter are average size, right? I will google this later. Once at a concert I had the undivided attention of three midgets. They were semi-famous or at least famous in a Surreal Life sort of way. I would totally dominate a midget. I would dominate all three. I think I’ve unleashed some hidden fantasy of mine.

My friend Ohio asked me to write about threesomes amongst men. I am really starting to worry about this boy. His coy attempt at being nonchalant by broaching this subject amidst several other topics failed miserably. I am on to you Ohio. What makes this particular flag really red is this follows Ohio's recent revelation that he shared an intimate kiss with his male best friend not long ago. He claims to be totally comfortable with his sexuality and says he has zero gay tendencies. He also said he had a perfectly reasonable explanation for the kiss. I expect to find a Barbara Streisand cd in his car very soon. Ohio, I have no idea how threesomes amongst men work and I don’t want to begin to visualize it. Let me know how it works for you, buddy. Two things. Lube and condoms.

Does alcohol effect the decision making process? Does alcohol inhibit one to live on the edge or does it allow you to become more guarded? I have done some really ignorant things while inebriated and some really fascinating things to boot. Some of my experiences will never leave my soul. There are times that I become more reserved even a little fearful, perhaps? I have played the voice of reason amongst a group. I have faltered between courageous and coward. I can attest that some ideas that would never be entertained in a sober state sound immensely fascinating in a drunken one and usually the payoff is one of humiliation and anxiety. For example, having to make the walk of shame. We’ve all done it. It is no walk in the park (unless of course you have to make the walk through a park). I believe it is during that moment we, as shameful humans, look our ugliest. The skimpy clothing you thought looked hot the night previous is critically wrinkled, disheveled hair, black eyes. You make a mad dash into the house and shut the blinds in an attempt to cope with your lack of judgment wondering if the sloppy drunken sex was any good.

A bite size Reeses has been taunting me all day from my desk. I have opened and rewrapped the thing at least three times.

I was going through my collection of writings/journal entries/poems the other night. I found some really laughable stuff, some sad stuff, some humorous stuff, and some really dark stuff. I would like to take this opportunity to provide you with a few examples, may I?

Wisdom: The things you can get by with in your twenties no longer suit you in your thirties. You realize it’s unbecoming to spend evenings in a bar full of 20 somethings. You search for meaning in every little thing you do. You start to question your worth and decisions you made in your twenties. You are no longer willing to waste time with the people who provide nothing meaningful to your life. You refuse to give yourself to anyone that doesn’t give you something in return. The moment you admit you are getting old frees you to live because without living you are simply wasting. Constantly riding the line between jumping into life wholeheartedly, living in the moment and embracing life to fearing making the mistakes of your youth placing you in protective mode.

Sad: I want to cry about something today but I am not sure what it is. I woke up feeling blue, dwelled on some old memories and lost loves. Thought about a new one. Something is in the air that isn’t settling well with me. I feel like I am losing the battle to hold on to something desired. Sometimes I wonder if I have to hurt in order to feel.

Anger: You were everything but nothing. Off you went. You cried about regret but it was just a way to say goodbye. I watched you walk away and knew it was the last time. Positively doubtful we’ll ever meet again. I’m running far away from here. Because you would never see me that way. Because you were only pushing me to believe. It never happens the way we want it to. I can go back to being that way. It kept me living in the dark. Life without the freedom to live. Laughter that lives in an echo.

Someone I love: What do I want to say about you? How can I tell them who you are. Brilliantly intoxicating. You’re something to be admired so modest and true. Captivate me with bliss, in awe in your presence. I watched you from afar and became overwhelmed with emotion. I woke to find you laughing in your sleep consuming me with joy. You surprise me everyday. My love for you is selfish. I crave the goodness it serves hoping it never drifts away. I knew from the beginning you were to be in my heart.

Dark (yikes): I am trying hard not to let go. I can’t battle this fight with fear any longer. You’ve always been unattainable. Pulling me in just to push me away. You love to hate me. You hate to love me. I saw the resentment in your eyes. I fought to stay, terrified of what faced me so I ran. I made it to safety but hell is just around the corner. Survival is my only hope but it is silently slipping away. Always a prisoner of your love. Left without a soul consumed with hate. The more you moved the closer I became. The games we play are our demise. Such a precious thing had we unburied the evil. I don’t know what you want from me. I can’t tell you what I want from you. How long can we tolerate this painful love. What happens when you don’t know me anymore. The beauty is rotting away. You won’t let me smile. I wonder if you can remember who I am. Self destruction is the path I am on. I won’t allow it to take over but I will play with it for awhile. What are you coming back for now. The desire is tempting me. You cringe at the sound of my name. I ache at yours. Time forgets. The heart remembers.

Love: Why do I put you before all? Why is it so important to seek you? You’ve come into my life a few times. You’ve shown glimpses of chance when I didn’t need you. You’ve left me broken, torn and confused. You’ve left me to wander and to dream. You’ve created fantasies and fears. You taunt me with possibilities. You torment me with failure. You’ve made me a prisoner of past. You’re on my mind in all that I do. I place you on the pedestal I consider life. I hope we meet again.

I'm out. Hope you enjoyed the deep confessions of J.

Ditty Kong, 'O!

~ J