H-A-LL-O-W-EE-N spells...

Ready to get spooked?













If that doesn't make you sweat bullets something is amiss. Tell me you weren't petrified that he lived under your bed when you were a kid. To this day I worry this guy is smiling, plotting, under my bed while I catch some zzzz's pending the perfect moment for attack. This is precisely why my four legged roommate sleeps on the floor next to my bed - let that clown try to strangle him first and give me time to get the heck out of dodge.

Happy eve of All Hallows' Even. I am a big fan of dressing up and here's a secret -finding that prefect costume and wearing it out is even more fun when you have a festive event to attend. I 've gotta admit I felt a little silly sitting around the house, alone, in my Beetlejuice getup last year but this year I plan to stand out at a costume party in character and in style. I struggled this year finding that perfect one, finally settling on something two days ago primarily to alleviate stress. I have purchased a few odds and ends for the big night but I have yet to try on the ensemble in its entirety. Truth be known I am apprehensive about the final product -what if I fail to deliever? What makes my costume interesting and puts me at an even higher risk for failure is it accompanies that of a sidekick, if you will. His costume is less complex than mine and involves a can of silver hairspray and a sports jacket. I have a feeling if he were to wear this costume without the addition of my character people would guess he is Doc Brown from Back to the Future. Here is a hint about my character: I purchased a used size 36D bra (sick, right?) that will drape my naked body tomorrow eve following several washes in hot water - extended cycle. This lady was a tramp at her chicken ranch in Texas back in '82.

This morning while I was getting ready for work in my 52 degree house I noticed a pathetic roll of toilet paper clinging to my toilet paper holder. The things that go through my mind while doing the mundane everyday things - you wouldn't imagine. Regardless, today I wonder how it is possible - seriously how can it be - that in this house we go through a 6 pack of toilet paper in one week. That's practically 3 rolls a week per person, give or take, depending on the kind of week our respective bladders and colons are having. Maybe I am oblivious to the average individual's daily usage of TP but this seems high. Maybe because it's tragically cold in my house my four legged roommate designed a toilet paper scarf or jacket. I know it sounds far fetched but would you believe that up until yesterday my landlord informed me that we would have to suffer through the winter minus heat because she cannot afford to have the $4,000 heating unit replaced? This morning when I walked out of my house and took my first breath I could see it in the exhale yet it was warmer outside than it was in my living room.

Paper towels. Another item that is used in abundance in my home. This significantly adds to my homemade coat theory.

things that scare me:

* Governor Palin serving as first person in the presidential line of succession
* my old, haunted house and the abnormal things I pretend to ignore
* my absessed tooth - it haunts me with regularity
* people who live in the box - not to be confused with the homeless
* IBS although I haven't been haunted by the ailment in quite some time
* high school musical 1, 2 and 3
* the 2 guys straight out of Deliverance that threatened my sister and I because we weren't driving fast enough one car ahead of the scumbags...I suspect these people have little to live for but moments like these
* will the recession affect the Wendy's $1 menu
* fish sticks - worst food made available to man
* taking off a pair of boots after a long day in them
* those assholes in The Strangers - Tara isn't home!
* life without Flying Burrito
* anyone who says their favorite television show is The Hills
* neck jewelry made for the male gender
* cats - okay not really but I am running out of items to bullet here
* blue cheese - what is it?
* cockroaches - tougher to kill than those Vamps on True Blood (one of my fav shows)
* trying on a pair of my size 25 jeans straight out of the dryer
* long lines - patience really is a virtue I haven't quite adopted
* the chainsaw guy at the end of a haunted house - why am I always the innocent victim
* getting out of bed when my thermo reads 50 knowing I have to get in and out of the shower
* trick-or-treater's that won't go away because "I can see someone inside"

I could go on but I will save you the pain of my rants. Eat a Salty Nut Bar for me (the tasty treat you pervs), bob for an apple or two, and remember to be safe.

Good Night my friends,

J

this one's for my padre back home

Today is October 15 which signifies absolutely nothing. On second thought:
Today will be the best day of someone’s life and for someone it will be the worst. Where's the entertainment in this? There's none. Welcome to October 15.

The office in which I work is being renovated. At any given moment of the day there is a crew of 10 plus diligently pounding, pulling, and scurrying up and down the halls. The foreigners, most legal citizens, are a hard working bunch and smiley to boot. The upside to the ear piercing hammering and headache inducing paint smell is I am learning Spanish.

Today at 103 pounds, quickly losing the muscle I worked hard to gain, and sans any real training to speak of for weeks I crave exercise and all the wonderful benefits that are connected to pumping blood and breathing oxygen. With the weather tempting me to play outside I have an itch to run the mountain, the mountain being my workout of choice, alas my exercise of preference has been put on temporary hiatus after my experience on the trail Friday. As I set to defeat the mountain I was intercepted by a perfect stranger within 2 minutes of my run [sidenote: remember the television hit Perfect Strangers starring Balki Bartokomous - I miss it]. The man informs me that his eyes were drawn to not one but several cottonmouth snakes during his mountain climb. Readers I am petrified of God's worst creature made of the reptile famile. I didn't wait for the guy to get into his car before I jumped in mine. If I were training for an Olympic sport this guy would be called a medal blocker. My opponents' dirty rotten scoundral, if you will. For now I will refer to him as Slugwart. In the meantime I am sad that I have been swayed from a once highly enjoyable and rewarding workout.













It's better to be safe than sorry so just in case I find myself at the mountain anytime soon I want to know what those disgusting creatures of death look like. After a few clickity clicks of the keyboard the google search generated a FAQ about the venomous beasts that included the following words: Aggressive, Alligator mouth, Deadly, PMS (dare me to prove you wrong) and "will find you and attack." No way Jose. Speaking of Jose, one of the renovators is barely pushing cinco feet tall. The tall one is wearing an Extreme Makeover Home Edition t-shirt and this impresses me quite a bit. I have learned by eavesdropping (I'm curious) that one goes by the name Pablo. Duh. You should have heard the ringtone his cell just blasted. My guess is it was Mexico's National Anthem.

In other news, I’ve acquired a Kenyan penpal, Kanai, and to be quite honest the steps taken to manufacture this friendship have escaped my mind. Breaking the urge to be subtle aside I came right out and questioned my African friend to what did I owe such honor. Apparently Kanai and I met several years ago through a friend of mine he went to grad school with in the states. Kanai writes me on a regular basis. He is fascinated with American politics and all the other glorious, highly publicized matters born and raised here in the U.S. of A. Here is an excerpt from Kanai’s email today:

“So how has your week been so far? How is the economy doing? They've had the bank crisis on CNN and in the newspapers international section. America is a resilient society so things will get better after everything hits bottom."

I like how Kanai asks me how the economy is doing as if inquiring about the weather. “Oh, it's half past shitty."

By the way, have you noticed that some people are victims of their own stereotypes? Why not skip the taco bell and grab a six inch sub? Don't become a casualty to cliche' Pablo. Run!

In closing I compare my day to a Benetton commercial, minus the cool stripes in a variety of colors. I plan to make a trip to the gym where the stair machine (readers not to be confused with stair stepper) will inevitably kick my ass followed by draining my bod of every last drop of agua via the steam room. For the record, I didn't learn the word agua today - I knew that one.

I miss crabapple.

~ Jl

We refer to this as 'the one strum'














RaNdaLe

2 - 7!!!