No way - It's Josie!

I have struggled for weeks with this blog hence my lack of a post in quite some time. I have been feeling a little sheltered and possibly protective of my emotions. I shall call it a writing funk. On the flip side of that, in recent weeks I have written 10 pages worth of single-spaced nonsense. I’ve considered posting it simply for humors sake. Truly a cluster of rambling bullshit.

I have also been lackadaisical chiefly due to the fact that my laptop was taken from me 3 weeks ago and as a result I have lost my primary tool for writing. I was heartbroken to boot. Having reflected deeply on the loss and finally accepting it, I feel like I am finally able to glide back into writing.

I hope I am not the only person to have made the following mistake. I was sitting at my desk earlier working diligently, eyes focused on my computer screen, when I nonchalantly took a swig of the cup of coffee sitting directly in front of me. Upon swallowing this half liquid/half solid concoction I came to realize I hadn’t made myself a drink at the office in recent hours. In fact, I have been drinking bottled water all day. The once perfectly tasty drink turned science project was a cup of coffee I had prepared for consumption and failed to finish yesterday. It is not the lingering taste of garbage in my mouth that bugs me at this moment. It’s the haunting remembrance of the feel of cold moldy coffee layered with a slimy film meeting my lips. I went a little crazy for a moment.

I had a dream last night that I had a mustache and a beard. My character in the dream wasn’t bothered by this added feature but the “real me” was crying inside. If my memory serves me correctly I recall I was at a show, a dance-off if you will, and I happened to catch a glimpse of my reflection in a mirror hanging on the wall to my right. Once again, the girl playing myself in the dream had no instinctive problem with the five o-clock-shadow. In fact, she seemed pleased with the look. However, my mind was devising a plan to rectify the disturbing guise immediately. I convinced my dream character into waxing the mustache/beard combo. Stubble is not an option when it comes to women and facial hair so shaving was immediately written off. While pricing different options, my twin sister appeared in my dream to remind me of the costly price of waxing a beard as thick as mine. Oh right - there is that. To my dismay the issue was never resolved prior to waking. This can only mean that somewhere out there in dream world I am walking-flying-creeping around possibly haunting people sporting the mustache-beard combo.

Left with the bewildering question as to why I am creating an image of myself with facial hair while in my own private dream world, I decided to do a little investigation. I am not a huge advocate of dream interpretation but I will admit that our dreams and our subconscious thoughts are parallel and that different objects and situations are representative of who and what we are in life. My curiousity was definitely peaked. This is what Dreammoods.com has to say about "women with mustaches" (I, too, was surprised yet relieved to find this was an actual dream option):

If you are a woman and dream that you have a mustache, indicates that you are expressing your power through your words and your verbal expression.

Naturally, this inspired me to search for a theory on women with beards. Dreammoods.com has this to say about the woman/beard combo:

If you are a woman and you dream of growing a beard, signifies your masculine aspect of your personality. You want to be more assertive and wield more power.

I was alarmed when I began to read the beard interpretation but in conclusion I could not agree more. I am just glad it didn't suggest a life in the circus. Now, thanks to dreammoods, I don’t feel like I have to hide behind my emotional disguise. I have the power within to be assertive and express myself in any form or fashion desirable. Thanks dreammoods.com!

I am working on a story – another fun life experience – I plan to share it within the next 24 hours.

Peace, lades and gents

~J

Cold and Dirty

I have been zapped of all energy. My body is dealing with post-vacation stress, exhaustion from moving and the never-ending chore of unpacking, not to mention trying to adjust to a new (very old) house that is nothing short of a sickening mess. I haven't had a moment to partake in "J time" with the exception of when I attempt sleep at night. Last night I saw a shadow in my living room. At approximately 10:30 pm I concluded that it was a demon shadow. I slept with the lights on last night.

The cherry on top of this sundae is I am freezing cold. My male co-workers keep the office at icebox temperature. I sit here at my desk hunched over in a ball trying to consume any heat my body might release. When I exhale I can see my breath. My jaw is clenched shut to keep my teech from chattering. Later this afternoon, upon stepping out into the scorching August heat, my body will go into a mild state of shock. Yesterday evening during my commute home I turned on the heat in my car. I almost fell asleep at the wheel.

I just walked over and adjusted the thermostat. This will undoubtedly cause a stir. The hairs on my arms are standing tall. I am wondering why I attempted to shave my legs this morning.

As if waking up in the morning wasn't previously a difficult task, now I lay in bed each morning and dread the inevitable shower. Let me point out that the shower at my new house is about the size of a telephone booth and is at least 50 years old. Yesterday was my first shower at the new digs and I felt slightly less clean post-shower than I did when I got out of bed. Still in vacation mode and wanting to provide as minimal time necessary towards grooming, I spent 20 minutes getting ready for work yesterday. 10 minutes of that was spent dilly-dallying directly outside the shower trying to convince myself it was okay to enter.

It is impossible to shave in this shower. I will pay someone to prove to me wrong. When clausterphobia set in I had to talk myself out of a panic attack on the horizon. Get in and get out. With 2 minutes to spare before I absolutely had to leave the house I threw a skirt over my stubbly legs, threw on a shirt that did not need ironing, and left my hair semi wet and "wavy". Needless to say I didn't feel great going in to work yesterday morning but honestly did not care.

This morning I took a bath in the 3x6 foot tub that resides next to the dawrf size shower. When I moved into my new home I made a pact with myself that I would never place a toe in this so-called tub. Funny how things change. My lower appendages were in desperate need of shaving. Today I was dealing with major time constraints yet still opted for the bubble bath to keep from eyeballing the floor of tub. In a Mommy Dearest fashion I made certain the water was sclading in an attempt to kill any lingering germs. There was moderate pain involved while inching my way into the water. While quickly cleaning my body I try not to concentrate on any particular area of the tub longer than 5 seconds.

I feel a degree better than I did pre-bath. Not clean not dirty but more like I just bathed in someone else's bath water.

As far as future bathing at the new casa goes, I somehow tricked myself, out of delirium I suspect, into believing that new bathroom furnishings will greatly improve the ambiance of the ancient room hence making my bathing experience a good one and fulfilling me with a clean vibe. I have a year in this house and, on most days, I am a fan of clean hair and smooth legs.

I am OWWWWTTT...!!! Goodnight world.

xoxoxo,

Josie

Friday Observations

some random thoughts that have entered my mind at one point or another on this grand day:

Personal space – keep out. If I can smell ya or feel ya, you are too close.

Attention men! Necklaces - never a good idea. Never. This applies to shell, gold, rope, beaded, string, hemp. If it goes around the neck it doesn't belong!

When speaking with a customer service rep, try to refrain from asking “are you a lady or a man”? The “lady” I spoke with earlier today did not seem to find it amusing when broached with this question.

If you can help it, never move. Packing might be the worst chore created by man. What could top that? Unpacking. If I could afford it, I'd dispose of all my personal belongings with every move and acquire new stuff. This morning at 1 am I hit my breaking point. In a state of delirium I employed this impractical practice of trashing anything I could get my hands on.

While flipping through many greeting cards earlier it became clear that I have a very sick sense of humor. Is it bad that I become agitated with the greeting cards containing a religious connotation?

I should not be allowed to have a vehicle with a sunroof. Hell, windows. If I had a dollar for every time I have driven around town in a mildew-scented vehicle while sitting on a towel barely able to see through the windshield due to condensation I would be living the high life, my friend. It is rather sad that every one of my co-workers has learned to give me a buzz whenever a cloud appears in the sky. I am serious.

Well guys I am off for a 7 day holiday to the lovely city of San Diego. Can't wait! July has been a crazy month and thus I have not had a lot of time for creativity or writing. I suspect this is what I can look foward to through August with my impending move across town. Oy!

In closing, I would like to wish MATTHEW a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! Can't wait to spend it with you. Me and You, darling.

Josie

Enchanted bliss

ANNOUNCEMENT:

I would personally like to take this time on behalf of myself and Kenneth J. McClellan to ask you, friends and family, to share in our immense joy during this special time. Kenneth and I will make our union one in October 2010 when I proudly accept the title as Mrs. J. McClellan. I am so happy.

To those of you unaware Mr. McClellan and I came to a unique understanding upon turning 30 that if he and I are respectively single by the time we turn 35 (incidentally we are the same age) we shall take a stroll down the aisle. In this case, we shall walk hand-in-hand down a sandy white beach sans shoes. It is the belief of my future husband that we should stop the game and make this happen now, but I am not one to break a vow.

In determining our wedding destination, my adorable husband-to-be coyly says "family would like us to do something closer to home but at the end of the day it comes down to us." You know what? He is right. You see, my sweetheart knows I do not want a big wedding, just a private and intimate ceremony on the beach. We're debating coasts at the moment but really that's just a technicality. We'll work out the details within the next year. My pumpkin said "I will marry you anywhere. What I want to know is where are we going to live". Sigh. I considered quitting my job to be with him anywhere in the United States as long as his lucrative career in art can support me, but ultimately decide I will write to supplement our income and support our family.

Cards and money are welcome.

~One Lucky Girl

male dog walking stripper

Feeling a little creative today or perhaps maybe not at all. I do know that my A.D.D. is working overtime today. Nonetheless, I decided for my next blog to take the first sentence from every text message I have received (not sent) within the past week and create a story. Punctuation marks indicate the beginning/end of a text. I have not manipulated the sequence nor have I changed the lingo in any shape or form. Use your imaginations.

My whole crisper was full of wine! The ‘rents are visiting. I’m probably going to be late. He is precious and he cries at work. I know! We’ll play with a ghost. Watermelons are freakin’ huge! Black black? That would be ok. Good morning gorgeous. Carlos Mencia is going to be there in Oct. I’m missing you a lot a lot. I guess you are right about all we have is the weather. Shrimp? Driving home. Is that ok? Or we can just go together? Jacob got a steak. You hear about the brother that got shot by the cops in Boston? Hopefully it will be sunny. I don’t think I can afford it either. Mandi said she might sub. I just put your wetsuit in the car. Tell me about it. Wish I could have seen you today. It's magic and not to be taken lightly. Sweet. Just got home too. I’m an overachiever. Are you guys meeting anywhere before hand? It’s otay. That’s hilarious picturing you so confident. Give me a buzz if you figure out what you are going to do tonight. That’s good! Ya! Lunch? We will have to get bottle rockets. Darling I hope you are having a good day. Yo fool! I’m headed your way in a few min. I hope your planning to see me. Next weekend will have to be cheap. Meow. Yep girl definitely. That’s cool. Good morning darling. I agree commitment is the best thing in the world. Can you think of anything else? It’s a theme. Do you think 24 pieces of assortment chicken is enough? Sounds like a fun weekend. Everyone agreed. Hey girl. Don’t work too hard. Headed to bed. Field 6. Maybe you better run that picture by me first. What’s the plan tonight? I just now got to read your wax story. Will you call our landlord this week? Exhausted. Hey gorgeous. I made it home safely. If you still want to go. We’re about to eat some pizza. Jon just came over. If you play SB I’ll play. Where do you want to meet? Sure. See ya’ll there in a little bit. Excuse me, getting. What time are ya’ll heading out? You not getting out I guess? Level headed. You awake yet? I think I will. Gonna be a little late. When are you guys looking to move? I’ll leave now. That’s cool doing my toes. Weird about my phone. Sooo glad its Friday. Good morning kitten. What time are you going to see E and I? Will 2:30 be too early for softball? Jess and I are hungry. Just call me silly. The one by Jess’ house. At Taco Bell. Hey cutie. What kind of adventurous tale? Funny! That sounds lovely. I also remembered to remind you. Not sure about details, but. Are they trying to say 60 days? Taken care of. Did we really hang out with a random pot head last night on my porch? Well she’s got a GREAT selection. You guys are a great couple. I never really got a straight answer to that question myself.

Wasn't that fun...or just a big waste of time? It's Friday, guyz and girlz and I'm lovin' it...

Cheers.

Josie

A Perfect Day

Sleeping in.
A morning run in the rain.
Breakfast with my family.
Walking through the grass barefoot.
A fierce game of wiffleball.
Hearing your child say “I love You”.
Getting a phone call from a friend – just because.
Catching a stare from the one you love.
Laughing so hard your stomach aches.
Running into a long lost friend.
Hearing a good song you had forgotten about.
Devouring a grilled, juicy steak.
Sunshine, a patio, and good friends.
Little kisses.
Laying in the grass gazing at the stars.
Falling asleep during a thunderstorm

snuggled up to someone special.

Lodi Dodi

I have a suspicion this is going to be a long blog. Calm down. I know you're excited.

I just had a delicious turkey sandwich from a local sandwich shop. Yummm. I love this particular sandwich shop because while you wait for your delicious treat to be served, one can catch up on worldy events kudos to the provided local newspaper. I never fail to find the most interesting ads while inspecting the classifieds at this particular eatery. A couple of months ago I fell upon the classic "To the person who stole my walking cane in Home Depot on Sunday - lawsuit has been filed" ad. What insightful ad did I gaze upon today? This is ver batim. "I have had a bad experience in buying some puppies. For details please call me at..." What's the issue? You're check didn't clear? The pup turned out to be a con artist and took you for all you're worth? I am considering making the call. If you're interested, I have the telephone number. To make my lunch experience even more delightful, I made a friend in the sandwich shop. Quite a talker that one. Just when I thought the conversation could go no further he surprised me with yet another question. Mistake number 1 - telling him I am in the market for a dog. Trust me on this, the communication was painful. Who knew one could retain so much knowledge about tail-waggers.

Moving along now.

Great news. The week of my 32nd birthday I will be on hiatus for 7 days in San Diego/La Jolla. Here's a bit of Josie trivia. Several years ago during my first trip to La Jolla I pronounced the "J" and "L's" in Jolla for 4 days until a good samaritan finally had the heart to tell me I was pronouncing it ALLLLL wrong:

Cali Local - "You're from the South? You don't say! Where you guys staying?"
Me - "This nice 2 bedroom condo in LA-JAL-LAAAA"
Cali Local - "Ohhhhh, goodness. How cute. It's Jolla. You know, as in Oscar De La Hoya. Ha. I've never heard that before. Hey John, get over here. This girl just said JAAAA-LLLLAAA"

Idiot.

I followed this up with a 2 minute death stare at my week long travel companion.

During my holiday I plan to do nothing but lay on the beach and soak up the sun for an entire week.

Due to stress and lack of time, I have found it difficult to post new blogs. It has been a challenge for me this week to find anything of interest to blog about. I asked my dear friend Shizzzle for blog topics and she said:

What about funny little anecdotes or stories about your childhood? Past loves? Growing up as a twin? Things you've learned over the years? Favorite things that don't cost money?

Childhood stories? Always an option. Past loves? How much time do we have and is defamation of character a legitimate concern? Favorite things that don't cost money. Only one thing comes to mind and it starts with an S and ends with an X. That's right, I am a big fan of the sax. It is one of my favorite passtimes - and you didn't even know! I can work the saxophone like no other.

I've had many conversations this week with someone special [meow] about past loves. He and I covered all bases from love to sex to relationships. One topic that came up is one night stands. Have I had one? To be honest I am not quite sure. Does it count as a one night stand if I did not know the indivdiual prior to the [blissful] act but became friends after-the-fact? Let me state for the record, I have no regrets. There were several standing ovations over the course of a couple of months.

More to TALE about past relationships but we'll save that topic for another time. I am going to take the bait on Shizzzle's suggestion and blog a bit about my life as a twin. READY-SET-GO...

Because Jess and I have been twins for 32 years now (33 if you count our shared time in the womb) it's clearly impossible to recount everything. The following is a synopsis, if you will, of some of my endearing memories as a twin:

***Twin and I playing "Peter Brady" which consisted of the two of us jumping up and down on the bed sparatically while attacking one another with tickles and scratches and, if my memory serves me right, chanting of some sort. During one (and probably the last) game of Peter Brady the twin scratched off a raised mole that was once located on my stomach. That sucker bled for hours. The following day a friend at school tormented me with the notion that a mole inadvertently removed from your body results in cancer. In the days that followed I was a walking time bomb. My mother would have to go into another room and hide her laughter as I lay on the couch, wrapped head-to-toe in a blanket, while religously studying a medical encyclopedia, waiting for my imminent death.

***Pencil and eraser. In pictures as little girls the twin always looked like a pencil standing beside me, the eraser. I always had some form of candy or treat in hand. The twin was always empty handed. While we don't remember for sure, we believe I abducted her treat and devoured it before anyone noticed. My parents have an 8-track cassette containing audio clips of the twin and I when we were very young girls. One of the questions asked was "what's your favorite food". The twin responds "I like chicken noodle soup". In a husky scowl I state for the listening audience "I like steak and bacon". Of course you do, fatty.

*** Twin and I physically fighting. Typically this involved her pulling my hair, me scratching her face, and a lot of dual somersaults on the ground. My mom would act like she was trying to break up the brawl but in reality she sat back and enjoyed the show. I remember one time in particular when the twin and I were 16 years old my parents had to place us in separate rooms of the house. This didn’t stop the name calling. Here is another example where my parents tried to lay down the law but simply couldn’t keep from chuckling over our relentless blows.

*** I am not proud of this tidbit. I use to have twin do all my dirty work. This includes running tedious errands at odd times of the day. For example, a midnight Doritos run and I mean literally a run because neither she or I had a car at the time. I also would have twin return mundane and difficult to make phone calls. “I don’t want to go out with Brad tonight, will you please call him and pretend you are me and say something came up”. It took a lot of work but eventually the twin would fold.

[more to come]...

~ JOSIEEEEE